Complete and Total Mystery

I got a chuckle out of this article from The Onion:
"Roommate's Work Schedule Remains Complete and Total Mystery"

I've had my fair share of roommates over the years. Some were great and some made me wish I was homeless. Take, for example, a girl I lived with my sophomore year of college. We will call her T. I blame that entire miserable year of life on my friend Jess. We were supposed to live together sophomore year, but Jess decided to transfer schools at the last minute. I had no one to room with and was forced to enter the housing lottery on my own. The housing gods matched me up with T, a freshman who had apparently never done a single thing for herself other than shop. To make matters worse, we were in the smallest dorm room on the entire campus. To make matters even worse, that wishy-washy Jess didn't transfer after all but those housing gods would not let us change room assignments. (By the time Jess and I finally lived together in senior year, I had almost forgiven her).

T was having a torrid love affair with her 26-year-old chemistry lab supervisor Grant (cannot believe I still remember his name). I got to hear all the details via her tearful phone conversations with her friends... and her mom. Seems like an odd conversation for an 18-year-old to have with her mom, but this family was weird. Her older brother was a Blue Man. That's just not natural.

T's nighttime routine involved stumbling into the room drunk, banging into furniture and turning on all the lights. At least I had the common decency to stumble and bang in the dark! T's morning routine included a blowdryer and CD player (typically India Arie) 5 feet from my sleeping face when there was a full bathroom 15 feet down the hallway. She would often comment that she didn't have enough "alone time" and college was hard for her because she didn't have to share a room with anyone back at her parents' house. Me either, bitch.

I was pushed to my breaking point when T asked if we could make a schedule to allocate room time. For example, if she wanted to hang out alone from 1-3pm on a Thrusday, I should simply find another place to be. HA. HA. HA. I pointed out that my weekly schedule was always taped to my desk, available to peruse at her leisure. This schedule included a full-time course load and 2 jobs, so you can see that I must have spent loads of time "hanging" in the room and breathing her air.

In some cases, the "complete and total mystery" is the bratty roommate, not the other roommate's work schedule.