Paging Dr. Quattlebaum

We got some legitimate snow down yonder this weekend, and it is wreaking havoc on the genitalia of South Carolinians.

I've repeatedly heard and overheard the story of a woman who took a spill on an icy street and is now - in her own words - hobbling around with a bruised rectal and vaginal area. WOAH, back up. Did I hear that right? Wait, don't back up. I don't want to hear it again. I am not down with OPP.
 
But she keeps talking... broken capillaries, broken skin, pain while sitting, pain while walking. She doesn't have children so has never experienced an episiotomy but imagines this is a similar situation. HOLY MOSES. I can't think of a more perfect example of TMI (way, way TMI). Please, please... for the love of Marilyn... hush your mouth.

Of course, this begs the question... what could she possibly have been doing when she fell? Practicing a balance beam routine??? I'm equally horrified and perplexed.

I'm not the only one with visualization problems. Due to the awkward anatomical location of the injuries, she is having a hard time assessing the full extent of the damage. Hand mirror, anyone? But for a professional medical opinion, this sounds like a case for Dr. Quattlebaum. Stat!

Cecil P. Quattlebaum is an elderly white-haired local OB/GYN who uses the expression "poot" (which seems to be a substitute for "shucks"). Think about this for a minute and try not to giggle like a 7th grader. I've never met the man, but Cecil P. has provided me with hours of amusement. "Quattlebaum" is well on its way to becoming the hot new word of 2010. It functions as all parts of speech.

• Noun - I need to get my quattlebaum checked after that nasty fall on the ice.
• Verb - I'm totally quattlebaumed (or QB'd) from that nasty fall on the ice.
• Exclamation - Quattlebaum! I took a nasty fall on the ice.

Consider your vocabulary expanded.

Spread the word, dear readers! The word is quattlebaum! In other words, spread the quattlebaum :)